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What Writers Want

Last week, I gave blood. It’s something I try to do three or four times a year, since I’m not particularly squeamish about needles and I’m O negative. (You think the vampires in Twilight go nuts over Bella’s red cells? You oughta see a bunch of phlebotomists when they find out you’re a universal donor.)

Anyway, I digress. While my life force dripped out into a plastic bag, I kicked back, eyes closed, feet up, pleasantly drowsy, and amused myself by playing with my imaginary friends, working out a scene in my head. As I recall, it involved the phrase, “Race you naked.” Which was when the Red Cross volunteer popped by to ask if I was feeling okay.

Um, yeah. And thank the stars that sweet little old lady couldn’t read my mind.

Which got me thinking. How many of you have seen the movie What Women Want, where Mel Gibson can suddenly read women’s minds? As he’s walking down the street, in the mall, through his office, all these random thoughts are flying at him from every direction. And then I thought…

Imagine if he went to a writers’ conference.

There he goes, strolling through the convention center, minding his own business. Look, there’s a plump, sweet-faced woman in a flowered skirt and sensible shoes.

Hmm. I don’t know. Up against the wall seems awkward. Especially in a log cabin. Wouldn’t there be slivers?

Shocked, he veers away, down a hallway, where a sign declares that the class in session in on something called World Building. A tall brunette in the back row has her head tipped back, eyes closed, fingers tapping on the table.

Telepathic worms. The entire planet is crawling with them. And they have teeth, and of course they like eyeballs best…

 He wheels around, looking wildly for an exit. These people are insane! He sees a petite blonde perched on a couch near the restrooms, scribbling in a notebook. Finally. Someone who can tell him how to get out of this asylum.

 I’ve got it! She could stab him in the groin with her fork. That’d slow him down long enough for her to get to the switchblade in her boot so she can cut his…

 He runs screaming from the building.

 I know. Those are pretty mild compared to what really goes on inside a writer’s head. We don’t want anybody slapping that new XXX address on our blog, do we? But please, feel free to share what our poor hero would hear if he could take a peek into your head.

 Yes, Julie, even the talking phallic mushrooms.

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7 Responses

  1. You are great! I chortled happily to myself all the way through. Yes, yes, yes! I’ve thought of that so many times myself. What would someone think who stumbled onto one of the internet loops we all use and see a) the vile crimes so enthusiastically proposed, and b) the wealth of bizarre expertise so cheerfully shared?

    Great way to start the day!

  2. KariLynn this is too funny!

    they certainly missed out on this scene during that movie.

  3. Loved that movie!! And I will never watch it again without thinking about this post!! LOL So funny!!! And so TRUE!! 🙂

    I’m sure I’d be plotting a murder. My kids always ask me why I have to kill so many people in my stories. I think they may be a tad worried about me. =)

  4. All I can say is, it’s a good thing no one I work with can read minds. If they only knew what was going on in here most of the time….

  5. You know what’s funny? I’ve been at this writing thing for eight years now, throwing my stuff in front of critique partners, beta readers, agents, editors, and even my parents. I’m thrilled to pieces that my debut will hit shelves in a year, and I’m eager to have readers buy it.

    But it wasn’t until a couple months ago when I happened to swap a couple scenes with a male author that I realized exactly how much my smutty scenes reveal about me and my…uh, inner thoughts.

    Not that I’m embarrassed by it (on the contrary, I’m amused) but I can’t believe it hadn’t dawned on me until that moment.

    Love the blog post!
    Tawna

  6. One thing the unpublished have over the published… nobody knows YET what lurks behind our innocent faces!
    Geez, even saying outloud that I write Romantic Suspence gets me a double take! That’s when I instantly think of a steamy scene and hope that they get the vibe!
    Being a tomboyish, into horses, no-makeup and non-drinking (both forced by allergies not wishes) kinda woman, you can imagine there’s been near whiplash…
    When I’m feeling particularily evil, I try that all knowing look with a quiet shrug and “still waters” as I walk away…. can’t wait to get into print!

  7. Love it and SO true. You can get some strange look plotting a murder at a dinner table in a restaurant. Trust me. No, you don’t want to know. 🙂

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