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JOKE SUNDAY!!

I’m on the schedule to blog today. I meant to do a review of Maggie Robinson’s A Mistress by Mistake, but I went to bed at 8:30 last night and slept until 8:30 this morning, so I haven’t written it yet! 🙂

So in the meantime while I try to get my thoughts together, I thought I’d share some jokes sent to my by Mary Marvella as well as a personal friend.

Something here will make you laugh!

First Joke…

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?”

“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob.  “But me’n the Ol’ Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do ‘something sexy to
a tractor’.”

[Don’t make me come ‘splain this to you!  —Read the last line again, slowly.]

Joke #2

When Men Bake the Cookies…

Oh Dear…where these supposed to be HEART-SHAPED cookies?

And finally, have you ever said something and wanted to suck the words back into your mouth even as they left? Here’s some wonderful examples of that….

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?”
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”.
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
“No,” he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have  an accident?”
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow — but don’t
get any….a true story.
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard!

So I hope I’m leaving you today with a smile on your face! 🙂

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6 Responses

  1. *wipes away tears* Oh, dear God. That was an awesome way to start the morning. And I can so see my kid doing that in the Taco Bell. If I had a Taco Bell. But still….

  2. Thanks Kari. I have had those stories for YEARS saved. I laugh every time I read them. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Cynthia D'Alba, Cynthia D'Alba. Cynthia D'Alba said: JOKE SUNDAY!! : http://wp.me/plCLo-1hg […]

  4. what a way to relax on a a Sunday afternoon. Great jokes, very funny!!!!

  5. Too Funny!! Thanks for the laughs, Cyndi! 🙂

  6. Funny lady! Loved those!

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