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What I Was Thinking

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST WAS PRODUCED UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF NYQUIL AND MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT IRRATIONALITY.



Every time I walk into my kitchen, there is an ant on the counter. Just one, meandering across the little square of Formica between the stove and the sink. Never on any other part of the countertop. Never more than one. Every time I see the lone ant, I can’t help but wonder.

Well, first I squish it…then I wonder.

Why only one? Why not twenty-three? Ants are not, by nature, solitary creatures. They’re supposed to travel in armies. So who is this single ant? A scout, sent ahead to determine the lay of the land? Or, um, countertop, as the case may be. If I don’t squish that solitary ant, will he whip out a teeny little bugle and summon the charge of thousands?

Or maybe it’s some kind of hazing ritual. Down there under my stove, there could be an entire ant college, complete with ant fraternities, and miniscule ant kegs, and at some point some idiot has to say, “I bet I could make it across the counter.”

That would explain why they never travel in a straight line.

Of course, I don’t spend my entire day in the kitchen. My husband would argue that I have been known to let days pass without showing my face there. So it’s possible the ants file across the countertop one by one, all day long, and it’s only the occasional unlucky bastard who happens to get caught.

Squish. “Oh, shoot, we shoulda warned Bob that she always passes through here at six in the morning and five thirty in the afternoon. Ah, well. Hey, George! Your turn.”

I suppose you’re wondering if there’s a point to all this. There is. Last weekend, my husband got into my Jeep, turned it on, and pitched a fit.

“It’s five degrees outside, there’s blowing and drifting snow, the roads are crap, and you’re driving around on empty? What are you thinking?”

Now you know.

Kari Lynn Dell

For more of what I’ve been thinking, visit http://www.montanaforreal.blogspot.com

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9 Responses

  1. I don’t need Nyquil to be forgetful. It’s mostly my everyday state!

    But I love th idea of the ant frat parties, drunk and daring each other to run across your counter. I’m seeing…”Truth or Dare – Ant Style”

    Right now, we’re fight fleas. I hate those SOBs

  2. Your mind is a weird and wonderful place. I thank you for taking me inside it every now and then. LOL

  3. I know exactly what you are talking about with your husband. We had a pretty good snow storm in AR a couple of weeks ago. I took off early and got my granddaughter’s Dr’s appointments out of the way before the storm came and then planned to sit at home for a couple of days and relax.

    Well I didn’t stop at the gas station on the way home on Tues so when Friday rolls around and we get in my car (he drives a truck) to go to work, I have no gas. He asked me why I didn’t get gas when we knew the storm was coming. My response was “I wasn’t planning on going anywhere for a couple of days”.

  4. LOL

    see, now I went differently than Heather. I have no gas? What was I thinking? I guess you’ll have to fill it up when you go today.

  5. Cyndi: I’ll keep my ants, thanks.

    Liz: I admit, I am rarely bored with my own company. All of us.

    Heather and Keri: I drive an hour to and from work on a highway that doesn’t have a whole lot of traffic. There is high freeze your ass off potential if you happen to run in the ditch along the way and run out of gas before someone comes along to help, so he actually has good reason to give me hell.

  6. Kari, your blogs are one of my great pleasures. I sit and chuckle happily to myself and sooner or later my husband asks me what is my problem. If he isn’t working too intensively (he’s in the middle of a major push with a March 7 deadline) I read it to him. Otherwise I just say I’m reading Kari’s blog and she’s SOOOO funny. And he nods, and I go back to chuckling and he goes back to whatever architectural problem has captured his attention.

    Thank you for light relief.

  7. Thank you, Beppie. I say in all seriousness that one of the greatest joys of writing for me is being able to give someone a laugh, a moment of fun in what can be a very grim world some days.

  8. Too funny! Yes, thank you for the laughs! 🙂 And today I’m thinking, “Yeah, so glad it’s Friday!”

  9. LOL! Gawd, I hate ants. We get invaded every summer. Ours don’t bother to send out the single, recon ants — they just line up and try to take us by storm.

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