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Killin’ Me with Wellness

So I decided to get healthy. Not a New Year’s resolution because I’ve never had much luck with those. Just my annual, post-holiday self-improvement program, otherwise known as it’s time to stop snarfing every carbohydrate and fat molecule in sight whilst lounging on the couch listening to the winter breeze try to rip off the rafters. Motivation provided by the fact I can no longer breathe with my jeans buttoned.

Along with my usual vow to decrease my sugar intake to less than 75% of my total diet I also took up Zumba, which involves something called ‘power hips’ and for me a case of sprained muffin top, which I suppose I should take as a sign that it’s hitting my target area.

I noticed, however, a disturbing tendency for my belly to jiggle while doing this thing called ‘fast feet’–which mine have never been by any stretch of the imagination but the instructor kindly points out that it’s all relative. And while the rest of me firmed up some after the first month of Zumba the belly was still jelly, so I decided more extreme measures were needed.

So I bought this video.

You know the one, with the woman from the TV show who yells a lot and who I’d probably punch in the throat in person except then she’d clean my clock. But hey, that’s what mute buttons are for right? And I must admit after only one workout my abs felt ten times as tight as before. As did my hamstrings, my quadriceps and my calves. Especially my calves. To the point that every time I got up it felt like someone had clamped a vise grips directly below and behind my knees, but nothing was jiggling, by golly.

While I was at it I figured I might as well get that dental work done I’ve been putting off for approximately fifteen months or maybe slightly more. Hey, the tooth felt fine except for the crack big enough to store my extra piece of chewing gum, but it didn’t hurt so it must be all good.

My dentist disagreed. In case I still needed convincing he mentioned, in passing, the exact process involved in a root canal. I went ahead and scheduled an appointment to get my new crown. A mere three hours later I hobbled out of the dentist’s office on my aching legs with a temporary tooth and a charming streamer of drool dangling from my chin. Yep, the shape up plan was working great.

By bedtime I could feel my face again, which was good. I could also feel that the majority of my tooth had been ground off by a power tool, which was not so good, but I popped a couple of Advil and dozed right off.

Sometime in the past few years I have developed the occasional habit of sleeping with my mouth open. My husband claims it’s not occasional. He also claims this habit is called snoring. Such a kidder, he is. Whatever the case, the end result was a lot of cold air flowing over and around my new fake tooth which was not amused, and when I woke up with my whole jaw throbbing neither was I.

I hoisted myself out of bed, whimpering when the motion aggravated the sprained muffin top that was already plenty annoyed about the super duper ab workout. Then I attempted to walk and my calves cramped and I tripped over the cord to the electric heater that defrosts my bedroom floor and rammed my kneecap into my log bedpost and nearly face-planted into the dresser.

“What are you doing?” my husband grumbled.

“Trying to get some aspirin for my toothache, but my leg muscles are spasmed and I can’t walk,” I said.

He contemplated that for a moment. Then he rolled over and buried his face in the pillow.

“If you’re laughing I’m going to hurt you,” I said.

“You’d have to catch me first,” he said. “And if you get any healthier I’m going to have to buy you a wheelchair.”

So I showed him. Purely in the interests of his spiritual wellness, I gave up cooking for Lent.

Kari Lynn Dell – Montana for Real 

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9 Responses

  1. LOL this is awesome.

    And I’m skipping over that part about the denist disagreeing about the cracked tooth thing. I’m sure mine will have a different opinion. Different parts of the wild yonder country and all that. letting mine go is a test to it’s strength, he’ll say. you watch.

  2. Once again, Kari, you crack my sh** up! But I can laugh because I’ve been there. Cracked tooth/crown, sprained muffin top (though mine’s more a full loaf of bread), and viced leg muscles. Just…not all at the same time, oy vey! LOL

    I hope you recover soon. Love the Lent revenge, too. 🙂

  3. What’s with this get healthy stuff anyway! LOL so sorry about your tooth. Those things are painful. Love your revenge! And I tried not to laugh, honest I did. 🙂

  4. Oh, I have to go buy your books, right now, Kari. You are hysterical!

    And as one who goes before you, I hate to tell you this (well, no really, I don’t, because I’m evil.) It’s gonna get worse.

    BUT if you get in shape before you get old, you have a chance of not freezing solid like the tin man in a rainstorm after the age of 50.

    I can so relate. But I won’t, because when I do, I sound like one of those old ladies, complaining about my lumbago . . .which really frightens me!

  5. Great post!

    It is with great fear and trembling that I look four months into the future and contemplate ab muscles that have been stretched over a rain barrel–it feels like that anyway, okay, a watermelon. Trust me; that’s pretty darn accurate–and trying to morph them into anything that resembles something other than a wet noodle. A soggy wet noodle.

    It’s not going to be pretty. Maybe I should borrow your video, Kari. Of course I know from experience I usually spend most of the time watching it, thinking you’ve got to be kidding me, you want me to what?

    I hope your tooth heals soon…and the giving up cooking for Lent: Brilliant. ; )

  6. Thanks all. I have the permanent crown now and only get a toothache about once a day instead of all day every day, but it’s gradually getting better.

    And Laura–um, fifty. Yeah, that would be next year. How did this happen?

    Shawna– the sole advantage to having a baby eleven weeks early. Almost none of the stretched out abs for me. So I don’t even have that excuse.

  7. Darn you, Kari!
    Now I’m experiencing a twinge of guilt when I pass my perfectly good Airdyne bike that I seem to be using to hang clean cloths on. Yes, I could climb on and peddle away some of the jiggle, but I might end up like you….Better resist.
    Whew! That was close.
    ~JD

  8. I hate to admit that I benefited from your pain, but, dang, that was funny. Poor you. I know how you feel. I hate having problems with my teeth – it’s such a helpless feeling.

    I’ve been doing regular exercise but just started a new 6 week program at my gym (basically personal training for a group) and my thighs really hurt. I do love zumba and might have to get back in that too since my weight is comfy where it is and doesn’t want to leave my body.

    Best of luck in getting healthy 🙂

  9. Haha, oh no, Kari! Good luck with the body spiffing and the tooth. Hopefully, they’ll all be jiggle-free and happy at the same time.

    And not cooking will definitely show him. 😉

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