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The Talk

So last night I was sitting there reading, minding my own business, when my child came along and shoved a very stiff, very dead mouse under my nose and said, “Mommy, why is there blood in his butt?”

(May I just pause for a moment so you all can pat me on the back for not screaming? Thank you. Thank you very much.)

At this point the conversation paused for the amount of time it takes to snatch a dead mouse out of your child’s hand, march outside and fling it far, far into the bushes behind the house. Then I ordered the kid into the bathroom to wash the mouse germs off his hands WITH SOAP. And he said, “Why do mice have germs?” And I said, “Because they crawl around in dark, dirty places” and he said, “But why do they go there?” and I said “Because they like it” and he said, “But why do they like it?” and I said, “Hurry up and wash your hands so you can have some popcorn.”

Deep breath.

But of course this is my child who is not to be distracted so as soon as his hands were washed and I persuaded him that no, he should not go outside with his magnifying glass and find the dead mouse and look at his germs, he immediately returned to where we started. “But Mommy, why did the mouse have blood in his butt?” “Because he’s dead.” “But why is he dead?” “Because he got smashed in the mouse trap.” “But if he’s dead, how is he going to get the blood out of his butt?” “He can’t. He’s dead.” “How can he get undead?” “He can’t. Once you’re dead you stay that way.”

Long pause.

“When you’re dead you stay dead forever?

And around we went again. So yes dear husband, who tossed the damn mouse in the damn bushes to begin with, I took care of the talk about death. Go ahead and assume that conception is all yours.

On a related note–at least if you’re me and your mind makes odd connections not immediately apparent to the general public–all this talk of dead mice reminded me of Jenny Lawson (better known as The Bloggess) because her upcoming book has one on the cover. Except he’s better preserved than mine.

I don’t read a whole lot of non-fiction or autobiographies, but this is a book I will be snatching up on release day. I could try to explain why, but it’s easier to just tell you to read this:  Posey, Move Away from the Light.

Now I’m off to explain to my husband why he has to demonstrate how a mouse trap works.

Kari Lynn Dell – Montana for Real


10 Responses

  1. We gave our sons “the book” about how babies are made to read. Now, our boys refer to all things s3x-related (I do that so I don’t get flagged in comments for spam) as “book stuff.” In fact, yesterday, a girl accused my oldest, in his words, of being “bookist.”

  2. *cheeks puff out and slap hands over mouth*

    Mad props Kari for not screaming. I would have screamed. and by the time I was done screaming, the kid would have been horrified and scared for life!

  3. How many times have you washed your hands and his? LOL

    Am totally grossed out…and that take A LOT!

  4. Sheesh. I am a chocolate mess today. Was tied up either in meetings or covering the front desk from 10 am on, and that freaking phone NEVER STOPPED RINGING. Realized on the way home that there was one person I left totally hanging. Oops. At least it was a billing issue and not a ‘if I don’t get my prescription I’m gonna DIE’ kind of thing.

    We are way past the mouse now. We’ve suffered an ant invasion and I’ve got the little buggers running every where and every time I squish one the kid whips out his magnifying glass and tries to see if there’s blood coming out of its butt. Good times, ladies. Good times.

    And Keri S, I need the name of that book. I suspect we’re going to need it sooner rather than later. I want to be prepared.

    • It’s called IT’S SO AMAZING and it covers, um, everything. We made the mistake of not pre-reading it, so my sons got a better education than I had planned at that stage…

  5. I remember being that age and not understanding why the mice had to be killed. We only had a wood stove for heat and it got cold on winter nights. I once woke to a family of mice sleeping next to me under the covers. But if I found one in my house, I’d be laying out traps in a heartbeat.

    I had a book like Keri’s. I may have to find it again. Your son may be a scientist, who knows. Do ants even have butts? I suppose they must…

  6. Shawna: This would be the upside to Asperger’s…the lack of empathy comes in handy sometimes. The kid doesn’t seem particularly concerned about the poor mouse’s fate, only the why of how it got that way. And yes, ants have butts. But they don’t have blood. They have…goo.

  7. God, I love your kid, Kari. LOL

    I don’t remember having to have a full talk about death. It was more of a gradual thing, I guess. The s3x talk, though… Number One deliberately forced me to have to have it with her sister, who turned out to be supremely disinterested. LOL

  8. Oh no, Kari! That’s not exactly the talk I thought you meant, but still a tough one. You handled it with aplomb, as usual. And, of course, a laugh for us.

    I love The Bloggess, but would never get anything done if I read her stuff regularly. She’s hilarious. Your association made perfect sense to me. 😉

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