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Warning: This post contains Naughty Tomato pictures.

Image

I did warn you.

I have a black thumb. Dr. Stevens, however, is a masterful gardener (hold on a second…I think I’m seeing a new hero’s career in my imagination…) His tomato patch this year has been unusually fertile. UNUSUALLY fertile.

This is not the first tomato-with-a-penis I’ve harvested this summer. Oh, no! See?

Image

Lest you think we’ve found some mutant breed breeding in our garden–this little fellow was on a totally different plant!

Not only are we growing phallic fruits, but we are overrun with the regular kind. I pick three or four huge bowls full of tomatoes each day. I’ve been blending them up in my super-duper-take-your-arm-off-if-you’re-not-paying-attention blender and freezing the puree in zip-lock baggies. I’ve been serving my family spaghetti (with homemade tomato sauce) chili (full of tomatoes), and BLTs every meal for weeks. And we haven’t even reached peak harvest yet.

I’ve taken to hauling bags of tomatoes with me wherever I go. I’ve become That Woman–the one who shoves her bag of excess produce at you with a manic smile, so that you’re afraid to tell her you’ve got a garden of your own. I take extra trips to the library, the bank and the post office just to hand my favorite tellers tomatoes. Every teacher at my sons’ school has gotten their fair share.

And still the suckers keep growing.

Frankly, the teenie-weenies worry me. I’ve seen LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS. I peer through my bedroom window in the middle of the night, staring down at that tomato patch. Did that vine twitch, or was it just a trick of the moonlight?

Maybe I should stop eating them, after all.

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6 Responses

  1. I would just like to say that, I wished we lived closer. So that I could see your oddly growing fruit. And so that you could push excess produce off on me.

    The bunnies stripped me before I could even get going this year. šŸ˜¦

  2. The Hell Hound destroyed my attempts at agriculture this year (and my inability to remember to water things, maybe a little). Feel free to overflow your cup into mine!

  3. I would LOVE to have some of these too! I love summer tomatoes but it does sound like people are going to be hiding to avoid you and your mutant tomatoes! LOL

  4. Hilarious, Keri! I, too, wish I could take some of your extra penisy tomatoes. šŸ™‚ I love them!

    I had a plant once. Well, twice. I kept it to one plant of cherries one year, and it was perfect. Just the right amount for us. Then I bought one plant last year but couldn’t find a stake so I never planted it. I don’t have a black thumb, just a lazy ass. LOL

  5. My husband is the gardener in our family too. Last year we had lots of great stuff. This year the weather screwed up everything. All we got was the purple potatoes. He has two zucchini plants growing right now, but I’m not sure the fruits are getting fertilized. Anyway, enjoy your oddly shaped tomatoes. šŸ˜‰

  6. At least one of you knows where to find me šŸ™‚ For room, board and wine I deliver!

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